It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
