Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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