an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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