she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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