I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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