one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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