ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
