8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I faked an abortion last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
