Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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