mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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