You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
