Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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