So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
