Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
