You smell like a Billy Joel song
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
