I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
