Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
