I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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