Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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