I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
