peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
