I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
