hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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