I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
