I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
