So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
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Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
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I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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