Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
