On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
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