it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
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