the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
