He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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