I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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