we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
