I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
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You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life