I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
