I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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