She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
