well I can't set my house on fire every night
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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