Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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