I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
