omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
