If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
