i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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