WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
