My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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