remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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