Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
