i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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