I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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