I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
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The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
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Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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