You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
