She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
this just has baby written all over it
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
