I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize