I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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