I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
