Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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